does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
