Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think my moral compass just broke
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
