my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
