my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
