my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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