u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
