Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
