Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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