I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
