i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
