I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
