I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
