Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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