I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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