I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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