so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
