Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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