ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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