Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
