the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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