if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
