farters have to be the big spoon...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Enjoy the penises
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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