Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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