I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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