I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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