She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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