i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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