I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
