if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
