I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
