Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
