Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
