I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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