my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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