The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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