I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize