no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
