I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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