....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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