I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
