Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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