well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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