you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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