What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
