If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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