I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
