Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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