I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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