If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
