She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Is Oprah even human
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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