So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
