No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
