I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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