Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
