o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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