She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
