I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm too high and old for this...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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