4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
