How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
