I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
