mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Every concussion has its silver lining
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
