I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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